When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.