[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“our sushi is very fresh”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side