By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u