*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour