The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
dutch is not a serious language
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.