i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.