[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”