Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Finally, a door that understands me
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.