Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”