Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.