Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true