Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Saw your ex at the shops
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.