When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.