[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.