If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!