The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!