MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I’m Sold!
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business