what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?