So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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Okay me first
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
This could be us… but you playing
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.