Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.