i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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Morningbreath
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*