Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm