*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.