I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.