I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
BaD BoY!!
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.