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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY