My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You Might Also Like
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.