Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
She: I like Cats
He:
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.