If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I came this close!!!!
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Who.
Did.
This?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes