toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The 6 types of sex
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.