[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
pictures of spider-man
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!