I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?