I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Oh no 😂😂💔😭