Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Have a lovely day 😊
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen