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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Grandmother clock.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”