celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
When news reporters do sports stories
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.