“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
sensitive skin
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
🤣could you imagine
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants