Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I’m giving up ice.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Truth
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot