Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.