My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
When I snag the last meatball.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?