[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.