me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.