*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
lmfao
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.