Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?