When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship