Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
You Might Also Like
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I bet birds love this building.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.