I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
You are what you delete.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL