Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*