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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i鈥檓 saying is m&ms don鈥檛 do that shit
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are 拢1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Sure I鈥檝e got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
馃幎I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus馃幎
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I can鈥檛 deal with men any longer
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
You know…for fall…
[sipping hot orange juice] if you鈥檙e breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.