Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Harsh but fair
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Pickled cat.